11 min read
If you are on the verge of giving up on your relationship because you think that things will not change, then this post is for you. You’ve probably known for a while that your relationship was in trouble. Don’t worry, many couples find their relationships off track and can’t figure out where it fell off.
So, most of them will leave, emotionally checkout, cheat, or stay miserable instead of repairing the relationship. The main reason relationships don’t change, is because people feel that their significant other will never change and the relationship will not progress. So they stay and hope that things will somehow change and get better.
They rarely do when left up to chance, but I believe that even the most damaged relationships can be fixed with the right tools and attitude. Definitely continue reading if you are ready for your relationship to change. You’re going to learn the 7 steps that will help to fix your broken relationship and repair the connection between you and your partner.
1. Decide If You Truly Want it to work
Is the relationship worth saving? If you’re not sold on whether the relationship is worth the effort, then no amount of steps or “quotes” will suffice. You first have to decide and be sold on the idea of how the relationship will look once you’ve got it where you want it to be.
However, you will still have to convince or at least understand how your significant other views the relationship in order to get them on board as well.
Most people are not convinced until you are convinced. Think about it, imagine trying to convince your friend to watch a movie on Netflix that you thought was garbage. You wouldn’t be that convincing right? It works the same way, if you’re not convinced that the relationship is worth it, then you will not be able to convince your partner. Both parties need to be on the same page to make progress.
2. Admit the Truth
Blind spots in a relationship come when the picture of who we’re with is missing pieces of the puzzle. This is usually unspoken, but it’s there and felt. It shows up as distance in the relationship, disconnection, and disagreeing on most issues. When a couple puts the truth on the table, it will cause a disruption to the relationship.
Because now your partner is faced to deal with the reality of who you are and vice versa. But without this crucial step, you will find yourself back in the same place in the relationship. True disclosure is the only way to create a connection.
So be prepared to say and hear things that will make you very uncomfortable.
This is usually the hardest step for most couples because the truth hurts and can be used as a weapon. Nevertheless, it is the only way a couple can start fresh. It truly depends on what you need to admit. How you feel about things matter! Even if it’s unspoken, you will need to express them in order to make changes in the relationship.
Whether you’ve been withholding your true thoughts, lies, or even infidelity in the past, these things need to be brought out. The admission of these things will give your partner the opportunity to get to know the real you. No relationship will change or grow until there is truth.
Mainly the truth about who you are and who they are. Most couples are in love with the idea of the other person. But on the flip side despise certain parts about their partner based on what they know. If neither individual is given the opportunity to truly know one other, then the relationship will continue to go through the up and down cycle.
3. Determine Where the Relationship Should Go
“Without a destination, the journey will become frustrating”
Coach R. Anthony
What is the relationship supposed to look like for you two? One of the processes we walk our coaching clients through is our Relationship RoadMap®. What most couples realize during this process, is they’ve been in a relationship that has no destination. So, of course, they feel stuck, they didn’t have anywhere to go. Until a couple has set a destination for the relationship, they will continue to drift and get stranded.
Many couples leave the outcome of their relationship up to chance and end up unhappy. They continue to revolve around the same issue(s) that created problems in the relationship. Once we work with a couple and they develop a clear vision of what they want from the relationship, it gives each person a vested interest in making it happen.
Without first defining and agreeing on the desired relationship destination, there will be many disagreements as to how things are going. A relationship is like a road trip, if you don’t have a destination, then how can you measure change or progress? And also, you’ll eventually run out of gas.
However, when there’s a clear and agreed-upon destination, everyone will be on the same page and able to enjoy the progress. Couples that have a clear destination of how the relationship should be, have peace and harmony.
“Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” Amos 3:3 NKJV
4. Focus on the Outcome, but Acknowledge the Setbacks
Along the way of going towards the relationship outcome that you have agreed on, there will be bumps on the road. The key is to acknowledge setbacks, resolve them, and keep it moving. Couples get stuck at roadblocks and take up residence there. They never progress past that point.
It would be like driving to work but there’s construction on your route that causes you to have to take a detour but instead of going around it, you park and never leave. Well, this is what most couples do! They have a blowup and never progress past that point. They take up residence and can’t get past that issue.
The key is to extend grace, love, and understanding in those times. This is why friendship is so important to a relationship. When you look at your partner as an individual, a unique person who is more than just a significant other, you really begin to look at them as a friend. Most couples only see the title of husband, wife, girlfriend, or boyfriend, and with that comes obligation.
But by allowing yourself to see them as more than a just title, you start to become an asset to the progression of your own peace. This is the most important thing to focus on when trying to fix your relationship, as it removes a lot of the pressure to force them to “get in line”.
Instead of getting stuck, acknowledge how you feel and allow them to as well. Also, keep in mind what’s most important to you. Is it how you feel now or how you want to feel when you get to where the relationship is supposed to be? The truth is; why wait to start feeling the way you want to feel in the future about your significant other, start now!
5. Purpose Your Actions Towards the Relationship You Want
Do you want more peace, more love, more communication in your relationship? Well, it has to start with you, we can only give what we have! Ideally, you want to have these things in your relationship, but it will not manifest outside of you until it is first planted inside of you. However, it warrants you to purposefully focus your actions and words towards the desired outcome.
Meaning, everything you say and do must be in-line with the destination you want. If you do or say things contrary to what you want, you will begin to work counter to your desire. Again, you will have to first establish a relationship destination that you both agree on. Your actions as well as the actions of your partner should be purposed on creating the environment of the relationship you want.
Relationships don’t just change on their own, they require purposed actions that line up with the words that you agreed on. This is why as a coach, I focus on giving individuals the tools they need to create peace, love, communication, and friendship within themselves. As they do so, it starts to overflow into the collective relationship.
This is how you change the way a couple relates to one another.
It is also important to help couples help themselves. It’s one thing to help couples create what they want within themselves, but a whole different thing to help couples solidify it in each other. I often like to think about it as a cake, which is the desired outcome, but it’s the ingredients that make the cake.
If something is missing, the cake will not taste right, but when we add all of the ingredients and mix them well, the cake will taste as desired when finished.
This is where purposing your actions towards the destination comes in to play. When a couple is moving on one accord, getting to the agreed-upon place becomes enjoyable.
6. Decide to Help Each Other Get to the Relationship Goal
Whether or not your partner keeps their end of the bargain, this is what you signed up for. In my experience, if my wife falls (i.e. has a bad day or week), I have to maintain in order to lift her up and vice versa. This, I believe is the true definition of partnership. We help each other by remaining true to our word and why we decided to stay committed.
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NKJV
This is a decision that needs to be made ahead of time in order to make your relationship work. Regardless of what your partner does or doesn’t do (to a certain extent), it’s your obligation to hold your end of the bargain. By keeping your word to yourself, you maintain your end of the obligation. If you said you want peace, love, communication, and friendship, then that’s what you must constantly offer. PERIOD!
Without being sold on the outcome you want in the relationship, this will seem impossible. However, deciding that no matter how your partner shows up, you will give your best to this relationship because the destination is worth the sacrifice.
However, if your partner refuses to do their part at all and makes zero effort, it is probably best to get out of that relationship. Or you will need to revisit step one to determine if the destination is truly what they want.
7. Continue Healthy Relationship Habits
Problems are easy to change in the beginning when you have the motivation, but it gets difficult after the motivation leaves. This is why it’s important to develop healthy habits while you have the momentum. To do this, you have to focus on positive things that keep the fire burning longer.
Positive things like the Relationships & Chill Podcast, our YouTube Channel, courses, and classes that will help you create lasting change. By limiting negative influences you will reduce the chances of reverting back. Also, sharing what you’ve learned with other couples helps as well. You can create your own group of like-minded couples and individuals who want to change and grow their relationships too.
Meet regularly and discuss things that have helped you and the challenges that you face. Don’t leave it there though, help each other figure our solutions to problems that you face. All in all, you want as many positive examples of people and couples who have healthy relationships. Eventually, it will rub off and you’ll find that your relationship is has gotten closer to the destination than before.
This isn’t a one time deal, you might have to revisit these steps from time to time to make sure that you are on track towards your desired destination. Ultimately, it really depends if you believe the relationship is worth fixing in the first place. I believe that you (because you’re reading this post) want the relationship to work.
To take things a step further and make sure your relationship stands a better chance of working, signup for one of our coaching packages. You can work directly with us on your specific issues and let us walk you through creating a relationship map. We will help customize a plan that will work for your relationship and get the results you want in your relationship.
I hope you have enjoyed reading this post, subscribe to our newsletter (The Love Letter), and listen to the Relationships & Chill Podcast for more relationship, dating, and self-improvement content.
Peace & Blessing
Coach R. Anthony
-Relationships & Chill